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Charles Schultz'
Philosophy
The following is the philosophy of
Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic
strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions.
Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people
in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America
Contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer
Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for
best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember
the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate
achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the
applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are
forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with
their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you
do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided
your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a
difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something
worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel
appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your
life are not the ones with the most credentials, the
most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that
care.
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia."
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POSITION : Mother, Mom,
Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed,
for challenging
permanent work in an, often
chaotic environment. Candidates must
possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing
to
work variable hours, which will
include evenings and weekends and
frequent
24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The
rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated,
at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5 (usually more). Must be
willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf. Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone
calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple
homework projects. Must have ability to plan
and
organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next. Must handle assembly and
product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and
battery operated devices. Must always hope for
the best but be prepared for
the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality
of the end product. Responsibilities
also include floor maintenance
and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years,
without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge
can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None
required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent
raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will
help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest
thing about
this reverse-salary scheme is
that you actually enjoy it and wish you could
only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid
holidays and no stock options are offered; this
job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your
cards right.
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Church Bulletins
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies
with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8
PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ
the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there w ill be tryouts for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterior ation of
some older ones.
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S couts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
park across from the C hurch. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Suppo! rt Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the F irst Presbyterian
Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
! --------------------------
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours"
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report card
Subject: Dear Dad
A father walking by his son's bedroom was astonished to
see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
pillow. It was addressed, "Dad" With the worst
premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with deep great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been
finding real passion with Joan and she is so wonderful.
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and
because she is so much older than I am but it's not only
the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we'll
be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We also
share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and
trading it with the other people in the commune for all
the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can
get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm
15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get
to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than the report card that's in my desk
drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home.
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Songs
of the 60's,70's and 80's |
Some of the Artists of the 60's are revising their hits
with new lyrics to appeal to aging baby boomers:
Herman's Hermits- "Mrs. Brown you've got a lovely
walker"
The Bee Gees- "How Can you
Mend a Broken Hip"
Bobby Darin- "Splish,
Splash, I was havin' a Flash"
Ringo Starr- "I get By with
a Little Help from Depends"
Roberta Flack- "The First
Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash- "I Can't See
Clearly Now"
Paul Simon- "Fifty Ways to
Loose Your Liver"
Commodores- "Once, Twice,
Three Times to the Bathroom"
Marvin Gaye- "I Heard It
Through The Grape Nuts"
Leo Sayer- "You Make Me Feel
Like Napping"
Abba- "Denture Queen"
Helen Reddy- "I am Woman
Here Me Snore"
Willie Nelson- "On the
Throne Again"
Leslie Gore- "It's My
Procedure and I'll Cry If I want To"
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