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LIGHTER SIDE

 

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket

  Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.  The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it turned off.

 Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet  which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

 

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.  The reply came back in true USMC style:

~ ~ ~

Thank you for your letter.  We can now complete the file on this incident.

 You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

 Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

 Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

 

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

 Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

 

Thank you for your concern.

   

Semper Fi

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

 When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with  walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill....Barefoot... BOTH ways...Yadda, yadda, yadda

 And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in  he%% I was going to lay a bunch of cr@& like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

 But now that.... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
 
 You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a da#$  Utopia!

 And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

 I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know  something, we had to go to the da#$ library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!  

 There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a  pen!

 Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the  mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
 

 Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter  of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our a$$!  Nowhere was safe!

 There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to  hitchhike to the da#$ record store and shoplift it yourself!

 Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would  usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD  players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause -  that's how we rolled, dig?

 
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and  somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

 And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
 When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,  your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances,  mister!
 
 We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution  3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games  like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.... forever!
And you could never win... The game just kept getting harder and harder and  faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

 You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You  were scre*!6 when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off you’re a$$  and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

 There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on  Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little  brats!

 And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to  use the stove! Imagine that!

 That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.  You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

 Regards,
 The Over 30 Crowd  

P.S.(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile, whether they are under 30 or not.)

Jesus is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


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